Thursday, May 1, 2014

Tap, Tap...Is this thing still on??

I haven't dropped off the face of the earth...and the best part, I'm doing great!  Making great, healthy choices every day and focused on THAT, vs. the number on a scale.

Blogging takes a lot out of me...I don't know why!!  It starts to cause me an incredible amount of stress and anxiety after a while...and honestly, I just don't need more of that in my life!  ESPECIALLY being an emotional eater!!!

BUT...I am sharing my journey and progress over on Facebook.  Quick updates, and posts work GREAT for my busy lifestyle!  Also, I LOVE how much more interactive FB allows me to be!

For now, all my updates will be going on Facebook or Instagram...if you are still interested as I continue to fight this fight,   You can find me at the "handles" below:

Facebook:  Moving The Mountain
Instagram:  movingthemountain

Hope to see you there!!!
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Monday, November 4, 2013

STRIVING FOR PERFECTION

Tonight I'm sitting here, thinking about all the time I've lost on my journey.  All the backtracking, reworking, falling down, getting back up, falling down again.  I wonder why I keep letting it happen?  Why I don't quite seem ready to commit, and change, and move forward.

In my quest for health and fitness, one thing I do know, is that I am constantly concerned about doing it all perfectly...

Eat Perfect.

Track Perfect.

Exercise Perfect.

Blog Perfect.

I leave no allowance for falling short, and of course I fall short daily.  Instead of being happy about what I accomplish, I focus on how and where I fall short.

I am my own worst enemy, without doubt.

It isn't just in this area of my life where this is a problem.  It invades everything I do.  And ultimately, rather than motivate or push me to strive for perfection, it actually makes me shut down, run away from it and hide.

My photography

Writing my personal memoirs

Throwing a birthday party for my children

I am so worried about it being perfect, and I put so much stress on myself because I don't want to be a disappointment to myself or anyone else, and it all becomes too much, and I feel like I'm drowning, so I shut down. I quit.

And because of it, I lose out.  Lose out on something that might not have been perfect, but still so much better than nothing!

And today, that's what I'm thinking about.  What does it look like to try to do this without being perfect, try to do anything, without trying to make it perfect?

Until I figure that out, I don't think I have a prayer.

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Thursday, August 15, 2013

SNACKING, ISOLATION, & WORDS OF WISDOM

I have been on track since Monday, and it feels really good.

I still find myself struggling at night - I am a night time snacker and it is when I struggle the very most to stay on track.  I just want to put food in my mouth at night - salty, savory, sweet - it really doesn't matter.  In the mornings I am busy getting myself, my girls and my husband ready for work and school.  When I get to work I am BUSY most of the day and I rarely think about snacking.  BUT, when I get home at night and start cooking dinner, and then trying to unwind - well, the desire to comfort eat and snack hits pretty hard.

As I write this post I am consuming sugar free jello with a little cool whip lite on top to curb my current desire to chow down.  And I guess that is the tactic I am using to deal with my desire to eat at night...I am identifying low calorie snacks to carry me through.  So far I have come up with:

Sugar snap peas
Sugar free jello
Baby peppers w/ hummus
Pretzels (19)
94% fat free popcorn

It is working, thank goodness.  Ultimately, though, I want to do away with eating after a certain time at night for a whole host of reasons - weight loss being fairly low on the list.  But right now, I don't think its the time. I am trying to be kind to myself and not over do it while I get back in the swing of things.  And right now, making a menu, being prepared, journaling my food intake, and staying within my calorie range are about all my world can handle.

There have been a couple of posts lately on other blogs that have really resonated with me and helped me feel not quite so alone and isolated on this journey.  Realistically I know there are millions of people out there trying to get fit and get healthy - so I'm definitely not alone.  I have met so many wonderful people through this blog and other blogs, have received such nice comments and words of encouragement...but strangely, at times I just can't help but feel lonely and singled out because I HAVE to go on this journey - not going on the journey isn't really an option.  It helps knowing there are others out there feeling exactly like I do right this minute.  Here are a couple of the posts that have helped me recently:

I read a post by Katie at Runs for Cookies the other day where she said the following:
Sometimes I just get so sick of having to measure out everything I eat. I know that I have to do it (I've tried "mindful eating" lots of times, and it just causes me to binge). Through tons of trial and error, I know that measuring and counting (whether it's PointsPlus or calories) is the best way for ME to maintain/lose weight. But sometimes I just get fed up with it, and wish I could eat like a "normal" person. Anyway, I know my weight will be up tomorrow, but I also know if I get right back to measuring and counting, it'll come right back off.

YES! YES! YES!  I feel exactly the same.  Knowing that this is FOREVER, and that every day will be a day I have to focus on this for the rest of my life - well, sometimes that just plain overwhelms me!!

I also read a great post by Marion at Affection for Fitness that she just posted tonight.  She has had a tough couple of days and she blogged about that...but what I really liked is that rather than focus on the difficulties, she focused on what she was doing to get herself through.  Here was my favorite part:
To be clear to you and myself, I am a food addict. Some part of me has absolutely no problem overeating quite a bit on any given day. And that trait is going to be with me for the rest of my life. And I wish it would go away, but I concretely know that it won't. It doesn't help my confidence to know this vulnerability.
It is on these types of days that it bothers me to know that my health situation is constantly dynamic. I can never rest and forget about it because we keep our health, fitness, and weight by working on it on a daily basis. Yes, daily upkeep is required.
I think hearing it stated so clearly, and so directly is refreshing.

I will be heading to the office early, which bums me out...BUT, it is Friday, so I will rejoice in that!!

Tomorrow is another day on the journey.  I feel ready for it.

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Monday, August 12, 2013

I. AM. READY!!!

I woke up this morning and I felt it...

...it was there again....

My drive, my desire, my motivation to eat healthy, track my food - to make this journey happen.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GOOD IT FEELS!!   I MISSED THIS FEELING SO VERY MUCH!!

Can I tell you what made the difference??  YES, YES I ABSOLUTELY CAN!!

I have blogged many, many times about how important planning and organization are to me in order for me to be successful.  When I start to get disorganized in any area of my life, before long it will infect all other areas.

WHY?

I have a theory!

Because both my husband and I work outside of our home, it can be tough for us to stay on top of things ALL the time.  Although we can typically rebound from a small amount of disorganization, when the disorganization goes nuclear and we have multiple areas that are going up in flame, AND we can't seem to find the time to pull ourselves out of it - well, we collapse.  It overwhelms us and frankly, we shut down.

This summer between the weekend trips, the birthday celebrations, the long hours at work, kids going back to school, yard work...YOU NAME IT...our disorganization status hit DEFCON 5 - the alarms sounded, the flashing lights went off, and we basically fled to the bunker rather than face the menace.

Well, on Friday, I took a vacation day to face the menace.  I did laundry, I cleaned, I did yard work, I balanced our budget, I menu planned, I grocery shopped...and it felt GREAT!

This morning, when I woke up, I knew all the hard work over the weekend to restore order to our lives was worth it.  I felt READY! I felt MOTIVATED! I jumped out of bed, got ready, packed my breakfast AND my lunch, filled my water bottle and headed out the door.  As I write the post, at the end of the day, I can proudly say that I tracked my food intake today AND stayed within my calorie range.

PLANNING AND ORGANIZATION.  The undisputed key to my success.

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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

TOO MANY DAMN THOUGHTS

Despite my best intentions (you know what they say about good intentions, right??), I continue to struggle.  I make it a couple of days, at most, and then I just give up. There really isn't any other way to say it...I simply give up.

I think I am over thinking it now.  Honestly, even though it is difficult, weight loss is a fairly simple formula.  So, why am I struggling?

I've had so many different thoughts about why this is so damn hard right now!

  • I'm putting too heavy a focus on weight loss and really need to shift my focus to exercise (not sure if I believe this or not - I think both are important, particularly in establishing a true healthy lifestyle)
  • I'm subconsciously afraid of becoming thin (not sure about that one either - I've really thought about it but I just can't find anything there...now, with that said, it seems like I do an awful lot of self sabotage just as I am starting to see real success)
  • I'm just too busy and I don't have the time or energy to dedicate to this.  Look, I am going to whine a little.  I am a working mom.  I have an awful lot of guilt about being a working mom.  I get up early, go to work, come home later than I should.  I'm exhausted when I get home.  I have a children, a husband, and a household that still need my attention.  Anytime I spend doing something other than focused on these things makes me feel horrible.  HORRIBLE. So, every night I come home and say "I'm going to work out tonight", but then I find a million reasons why I can't possibly spare 30 minutes.  At risk of offending some stay at home moms out there, I really can't take hearing another one complain about how busy they are...play dates, aerobics classes, yoga classes...GIVE.ME.A.BREAK (Yes, folks, this is sour grapes in action.  SOUR GRAPES)!  THEN, then I remember that my dear blog friend Leigh - well, she's a working mom, a weight loss superstar AND now a kick a** runner!!! 
  • I'm jealous of skinny biyotches (excuse me to all my skinny friends - I really do love you) who can eat whatever the hell they want and never gain a pound! (Green. Eyed. Jealousy. Monster!! Yes, that's me)
  • I just want to live "normal" - seriously, this is a thought process I have!!!  Like overeating and gaining weight uncontrolled is NORMAL!  (I think I may need to evaluate my definition of normal!)
  • I've become so overwhelmed and disorganized in other parts of my life - Laundry overflowing, housework - so far behind, finances - ugh!, church life - non-existent...and all of this makes me feel like I just can't get control of anything (yeah, so letting my weight balloon out of control...that is going to help, right??)
Too, too many thoughts...and at the end of the day, I think the answer is to JUST DO IT!!!  

**deep sigh**

I've heard from so many of you out there who are struggling too.  Thank you for your encouragement, thank you for sharing your stories!!  I really do appreciate it.  I know that we are capable of making this momentous change in our lives...I think we all need to believe that too...and then JUST DO IT!

I don't know if I will have great stories of success to share right now, but I am going to stop avoiding this blog like the plague.  

By the way - I've gained 19 lbs. back.  **sad head shake**

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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

HITTING THE SKIDS

I've been avoiding my blog - avoiding it like the plague...avoiding having to come here and admit that my weight loss journey has hit the skids.  But it has....and frankly, I am having a hard time getting back on track.

I know I am full of excuses right now, and I know I need to stop making them.

I read a blog post about a week ago about being a victim - allowing yourself to be a victim by turning to food.  The post bugged me at first...but I have thought about it so many times since I read it, and I realize it bugged me because it is true.

I am allowing myself to be a victim - a victim of my emotions and my desire to "self medicate" with food.  I allow it to control me, allow it to make me feel sad and feel bad about myself - I allow it to victimize me.

I am trying to get my head right.  Trying to stop being a victim.

Deep Sigh.  It feels harder than it should.

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Friday, June 28, 2013

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY

Last night my sister came over for a few minutes and we were chatting about our weight loss efforts.  I told her that the last month has been a real struggle - one day I'm on track, the next day I'm not - I'm all over the place.  She has also had some struggles.  We talked about what we thought were some of the reasons for our struggles, trying to understand just what is dragging us off track.  For me, I felt the following were some of the culprits:
  • Summer - it makes me want to be footloose and fancy free - this applies in EVERY aspect of my life.  I don't want to be held to a housework schedule, I want to have more freedom to come and go at work AND it appears I also want to be able to eat whatever I want.  
  • Road trips / Vacations / Weekenders - I really, really, really struggle to stay on track when I am going away for a vacation or weekend getaway.  I don't plan well for the road trip so instead of having healthy snacks readily available, I end up eating junk food.  I don't make good selections at restaurants either.  It just kills me.  Over the last month I have been to Moab, Lake Powell, California (we had to go to California last week due to a death in the family - we ended up driving because of short notice on the funeral arrangements.  It was a long road trip there an back!).   Being constantly on the go has thrown my routine into shamble and bottom line on this one, I just don't spend the time I need to making a plan for success.  
  • Empty Nest - My kids have been staying with their grandparents for the last 3 weeks.  It has been really difficult to want to come home from work and prepare dinner without them there - so we just end up eating out.  We also have been going on a lot of 'dates' while they have been gone, and that usually entails some type of food too.  
I feel like as I type this it might sound like I am just making a lot of excuses for myself - but honestly, that is not what I am trying to do.  At work, when there is a problem, we go through what we call a Root Cause Analysis, which is designed to identify the true reason that a problem or issue is occurring.  We use a tool called a Five Why evaluation - we ask WHY over and over and over until we feel we really can't ask it anymore...

Q:  Why are you struggling to eat healthy?
Q:  Why does the Summer cause you to eat unhealthy?
Q: Why do you want to feel footloose and fancy free?
Q:  Why do road trips / vacations cause a problem?
Q:  Why don't you take the time to make a plan?  What is getting in the way?

You get the picture - we keep pushing and questioning until we feel we have gotten to the root cause - the true underlying issue. Once we FINALLY identify the root cause issue, we make action plans and implement counter measures to either mitigate the root cause, or completely eliminate it.

I feel like getting to root cause is just as important in my personal life as it is in my work life.  I need to remind myself that rather than just say "you are just making a bunch of excuses", I need to take the time to really understand and question what is going on so that I can make real, effective plans, and then implement them. Could one of the root cause issues be "I'm lazy"?  I'm sure it could be - but honestly, you can see the WHY there, right?  WHY AM I LAZY?  More often than not issues are far deeper than a vague generality like that.

ANYWAY, I'm trying to get to root cause.  Trying to figure out why this time of year, and this particular stretch of road on my weight loss journey seems to consistently give me issues.  I'm not there yet, but I'm hoping I get there.   I want to be successful navigating these bumps in the road, and right now I am struggling FAR more than I want to.  I want to have a good, solid strategy - because there is no doubt that there will be more bumps in the future on this long journey.

With that said, I recognize I need to push myself to stay on track.  If I let things backslide that IS NOT going to help me get to the root cause of my issues.  Ultimately it is just going to make it more difficult mentally, emotionally, and physically to get where I need to be.  Again, at work, doing a root cause analysis on a problem doesn't mean that we just let the problem continue unchecked until we figure out root cause.  There are times when we simply have to FORCE a solution - slap a band-aid on it - until we can get to a much smarter, more efficient solution. I have to accept that this is no different. I am going to have to FORCE a solution - slap a band-aid on - and STOP THE BLEED.  Right now, I think the band-aid is simply pushing through, no matter what - even if it feels grueling and a little miserable.  Clearly I can't maintain that long term - grueling and miserable isn't sustainable.  I  have to accept it is going to be HARD for the time being, and I need to steel up for that.  I also need to remember that if I put the work in, I can make sure it will be MUCH easier in the future.

Just writing the above paragraph makes me breath a deep, frustrated sigh - ugh.

Last night as I was talking to my sister, I also told her that I hadn't blogged in a while.  She asked me why and I told her that I just didn't know what to say, to which she responded, "JUST SAY THAT!  Say you don't know what to say - say you don't know why you are having a hard time - but don't just go radio silent."

So, here I am, saying - I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.  I am struggling.  I am all over the place.  I have really good days, but more REALLY bad days right now.  I can't seem to get my head right.

Not very inspirational - not at at all - but it is true.

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